I felt like Dracula yesterday

Thirty days without doom scrolling and what I found in the dark

Not the hike I’m referencing here, but a photo of my partner and I last week at Smith Rock, Oregon

Note: you should play this in the background while reading the below :)

Hi friends and strangers. cómo están?

Thirty days without Meta and TikTok permanently on my phone, and my brain finally has space to think.

I woke up early Saturday morning already disappointed. I wasn’t going to hit my outdoor goal for the week, which is one hike, maybe two. That was the ask. And I was lying there knowing that if I didn’t go, that disappointment was going to sit with me all day. It was going to affect my mood, how I showed up, everything.

Somehow my brain said: Why not do a night hike?

shot this on night-mode on my iphone at the start-ish of the hike

I’ve never done that alone before, but I texted two people from my choir asking for their take.

They both said obviously, go.

So I got up.

Grabbed a cheese stick, a granola bar, and a Gatorade from the gas station.

Drove to the trail. Started hiking at six twenty in the morning in the dark.

By the time the sun started coming up, I was listening to New Music Friday, and a song called Dracula by Tame Impala was remixed with Jennie and felt like the world was saying hello, you bad bitch.

The lyrics are strange and layered, and somehow they’re making perfect sense as I’m moving through the moonlight.

And I’m thinking, wow, this is what happens when your brain isn’t constantly being pulled somewhere else.

This is what it feels like to actually be present.

Here’s the thing though. This wouldn’t have happened three months ago.

Three months ago, I would have woken up and scrolled for an hour. Doom scrolling. Doing nothing. Just letting the algorithm tell me what matters. What it wants.

We’ve been so manipulated into thinking that’s normal, that’s healthy. I’m part of the first generation that’s really dealing with this at scale. We don’t have a playbook for what social media (aka social commerce) does to your nervous system, to your capacity, to your ability to dream about your own life instead of living someone else’s.

….we’re making it up as we go.

When I deleted Instagram and Facebook and TikTok in January, it wasn’t some big statement. It was just a reset. January was about planning. What does it actually look like to be a better version of myself? And February is where I start showing up for it.

The hike was that. The choir I’m building is that. Every single day this week I’ve woken up earlier. I’ve moved faster. I’ve felt more like myself.

My partner has noticed it too. He’s proud of me.

But there was this moment where he said something that stuck.

He said (paraphrasing), you’re making all these amazing changes, but you’re doing it without me. Like I didn’t get a say in the reset.

And he’s not wrong. And here’s the thing — part of me was leaning on him for things I should have been building on my own. Like he was supposed to be the reason I go hiking or the reason I stay focused. But that’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to me (and it’s weird, helllooooo).

What I’m learning is that independence isn’t about doing things alone.

It’s about owning your own happiness, your own goals, your own life. And when you do that, when you actually show up for yourself, the people around you benefit. Your partner benefits. Your friendships benefit. Everything gets better.

So here I am thirty days post social media, and I’m not the same person. I’m clearer. I’m more intentional. I’m actually living my life instead of watching someone else live theirs. And if you’re reading this and you’re feeling that pull, that constant need to check your phone, that sense that something’s off, maybe it’s time to ask yourself what you’re really looking for. Because I promise you, it’s not in the app.